Aspiring psychologist, meditation geek
On the conventional sense, my aspiration is to work in psychology (research & applied), I have a background in music and am quite a meditation geek. My spiritual practice is collective, I don't conform to one tradition per se; I find what works for me and play with it. My main goal of practice is to cultivate the wisdom & strength to help other beings.
2000 - 2019
A Suffering Musician and Artist
Much like most people, life has not been easy for me. Despite the privilege and material abundance, a feeling of lack have always permeated the whole of my being (so to speak). Like many, philosophy and seeking out "the truth" has always been a main focus of my life. My way to do so was in art and music, I channelled my suffering through music and ironically made me suffer more haha.
It is the identity that was tied to music and obsession for creating something groundbreaking (or leaving a mark) that caused a lot of grasping. I was seeking for what I already "have" through a very very very indirect medium.
As I got older I formed really close friendships with my best friends (who are still like brothers to me). I became attached to them, and as we all know; attachment is nothing more than compulsive thought behaviours and in unhealthy attachments it can be detrimental to everyone involved. This attachment seemed to give me a break of all the existential uncertainty, created a sense of belonging; and a false sense of safety of all the unknown that life throws at me.
2019 - 2020
Meditation, Spirituality and Experimentation
I was 19-20 during this time, I was experiencing a lot of suffering here but more mellow (unlike the intense suffering in childhood) it was more a sense of restlessness and craving. I wanted more (because I didn't feel whole), I later came across non-duality and it captivated me from the get go.
Then I had my first ego-death on mushrooms, it was an intense experience. It left me questioning everything and I did not know enough about non-duality or buddhism so I had no contextual grounding. I started meditating regularly, as I NEEDED to know the truth. At this time, I was still warming up to the idea of buddhism, I did not like the religious connotation at the time as I had a "bad" experience of catholicism in childhood and teenage years.
2020 - 2023
Romantic Love As Catalyst
In these 3 years, I was in a relationship. We spent COVID lockdown together, just us two. I formed unhealthy attachment but clearly saw the deep love that it rooted from. This time I did not want the truth for just my own sake, but also for the sake of my partner at the time and other beings.
I later had a mystical experience right after a sit, then decided to do LSD a day later which knocked me into a spiritual high for 3 months. I felt like I was God, felt enlightened. Perception seemed to have changed. My psychological identity was in a crisis and shattered, world-view shattered. I gave up on music as a career soon after.
To this day, I am thankful for my partner at the time for taking up with my unreasonable "spiritual shit", and compulsiveness to chase mystical states via meditation and psychedelics and my obsession of enlightenment.
Soon after, I broke up with her as I witnessed the pain that we cause each other in our attachment styles, parted ways but love remained for her. She singlehandedly put me on "the path" and finally steered me towards the last obsession and the "correct" medium for truth-seeking.
2023 - 2024
Dedication and Realisations
After the breakup, I had much space. I practiced intensively, went on a Mahasi retreat. My "spiritual progress" skyrocketed as my attachment for my ex partner dissolved and practice became dedicated, steady, firm and my techniques advanced quicker than ever.
I established a consistent practice after some firm words from friends saying that what I had was not enlightenment. I went from being identified with the witness to formless infinite awareness, then God.
I dabbled in many techniques, self-inquiry, vipassana, noting, do nothing, shamatha, non-dual vipassana and so on. Having space from the breakup, I was able to practice every waking moment. This "deconstructed" things quickly and finally one day, as advised by my mentor. I inquired into the feelings I was avoiding by chasing enlightenment, what was I avoiding in my body?
I inquired while eating dinner: "Do I actually know what enlightenment is?". I did not, it was a mere concept and there, I realised that I know nothing. It's ungraspable, empty, luminous appearances. Sensations comprehend themselves without a subject. No centre to experience. It has always been the case.
This breakdown of inherent views was liberating, life was ordinary. My discipline to perfect emptiness became effortless and natural. The seeking stopped, now practice unfolds on its own. I understood that enlightenment cannot be found nor can it be claimed. It already is, it's just a matter of deepening and integrating wisdom, samadhi and morality in daily life.
My practice currently is focused on working with Nargajuna's MMK to penetrate very subtle inherent views, cultivate jhana, integrate samadhi and insight. I have no goals, no purpose. But I am free. Life seems to be pulling me towards cultivating deep compassion, wisdom so that I may contribute to exhausting of karma.
I am thankful for every tiny "condition" in the universe. I wish all happiness, joy, peace and be free from pain and suffering.