26th Feb, 2024
Contextual Background
It's been almost a week since the realisation of what's already been the case - Anatta (noself), you may see this link for Anatta:
So what triggered the "break-through"?
I had been feeling a lot of impatience with the path, frustration. I wanted to breakthrough to Anatta so bad. Even though life already felt relatively effortless, I felt much underlying existential angst (see my fb post to ATR g):
In hindsight, it was because I was starting to see through the effects of our views. When we hold beliefs or views, it quite physically affects the way we perceive the world. This can be on many levels, from dualistic views, views that all is God, or that there is a ground of awareness as being. See ATR post on this:
This effect extends much to the materialistic paradigm, our prior knowledge or prediction quite literally affects our perception. Olawole-Scott, H. Yon, D (2023)
This extends to principles such as predictive processing, if you are interested check out this amazing podcast - Deconstructing Yourself:https://open.spotify.com/episode/6Xx7RnvgwqC30l0sgIWQoe?si=794f3b3ebbaf4f3b
Anyways, I finished up my lesson with David Mcdonald. He prompted me to do emotional work with the IFS (internal family systems), and we played with it a little in the session. This context is important as it sets the tone of how the "breakthrough" inquiry along with the recognition of the importance of emotional work supported the recognition.
David inquired with me how I would feel if I never realised the truth and never will? How does it feel in my body? Is it really that unbearable? As he listened to my "rants" about how I feel a strong drive to liberate myself then others. Later on that evening, I continued inquiring with the new found insight that my inner critics and protectors have been suppressing how I've always felt. This led to a deep understanding that I wanted enlightenment to avoid how I was feeling. I was creating a separation and avoidance by using spiritual seeking as a safe ground to fall on, very deep in my subconscious mind - "I will be fine when I'm enlightened". Little did I know, this mindset is quite the opposite of "enlightenment" though I must acknowledge that enlightenment IS, it can't be achieved/attained nor can it be escaped.
The experience
Later on that night, whilst eating dinner and watching "The Art of Suffering" by Thich nhat hanh: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DTgv4iPgQ2o
I inquired: "Do I actually know what enlightenment is?". Now the next part is a bit hard to describe linguistically, but I'll try my best... (bear in mind the next section happened over the course of 0.5-1 seconds).
First came a deep recognition that what I've been chasing have always only been a mere concept, I never knew what enlightenment was. Then there was silence, sounds hear themselves, in hearing only sounds; In the seen only the seen, In seeing no seer. Then immense clarity of how my "spiritual views" had been "colouring" my perception. This clarity left me no option but to drop the seeking energy (this felt more energetic than conceptual). Then the echo of the inquiry surfaced, but it was not linguistic but energetic. This natural curiosity prompted the investigation into knowingness itself; then there was clear seeing that there's never been anyone to know anything, nothing has ever been known the way we think, but yet all is comprehended. Thoughts are thinking without a thinker, in thoughts there are only movements. This investigation into knowingness facilitated more clarity into not only the subject, but the "objects" of experience. All is unlocateble, ungraspable, there are no-thing in reality. No inherent existence of any no-thing. There's no location, no movement, no-thing, no subject. Just empty, luminous appearances.
I laughed as I chewed down on chicken, tears of joy, relief rolled down my cheeks. As I burst into unstoppable laughter and as I cried. I thought, "This is a massive cosmic joke, enlightenment need not be found. Freedom never left, it has always been. Reality is a dream and the dream is reality. There are no-thing, no subject anywhere. I'm such a fool, I know of nothing, I have realised absolutely nothing. Yet freedom is recognised. All is empty, that which is the nature of reality, of which is freedom itself. We are free to "fabricate" a center, a seeker, a doer, a God, an eternal ground of being yet IT'S JUST THIS - always been empty appearances. Neither one nor many, the doing of the universe itself. I am empty of self/Self but full of the universe. Such beauty as I felt such relief and release, I expressed deep gratitude and meta"
So where does that lead me?
Now, there really isn't much to say about this "realisation" as it has always been and that I do not know anything nor am I more awake than anyone but yet nothing much can be said about anything. As I consulted some experienced practitioners on what practices I can do next, as I wanted to perfect, stabilise and to love. In order to facilitate skilful, moral living the following is my plan:
Penetrate traces of subtle "inherent views"
I should say that this piece of resource have been EXTREMELY helpful in me creating my plan: https://www.awakeningtoreality.com/2023/08/compilation-of-post-anatta-advise.html
I will use Nargajuna's MMK and analytic methods to penetrate the traces of inherent views that I hold. Even though Anatta has always been, and that no matter what happens (feeling of self, feeling of center, God wtv) Anatta is a seal, not a stage. Yet I have a natural inclination to "sculpt" emptiness into more aestheticism, meaning I'd like to remove all karmic traces to support more skillful living
Samadhi & Jhana
I've missed out on the cultivation of Jhanas in my own path. There's much beauty in cultivating states of absorption as it not only removes hinderances but being skilled in absorption states allows us to access them on demand in challenging situations allowing for more space, hence better actions. Moreover, the 4th Jhana allows for psychic faculties which is helpful, as I'm curious about the past life of this particular karmic chain. As iterated by Delson Armstrong, psychic faculties also supports insight when utilised skilfully.
Even though perceptual shifts and insights have naturally made it easier for me to be in samadhi in sits and daily life, I'd like to work out my "samadhi muscles" for the sake of myself and all beings.
Integrate wisdom with concentration
To integrate wisdom with concentration in daily life is really a beautiful aesthetic imo. There are many practices I want to do before this, but keeping this in mind.
Skilful living & Metta practice
This is the crux of spiritual practice. To live skillfully...
I believe that many bypasses the importance of cultivation of samadhi and insights and head straight to skilful living. Appreciate it, but respectfully disagree. Therefore, the plan is to practice and integrate said practice into daily life.
Conclusion
The realisation of Anatta has humbled my ass. Contrary to what I believed (subconsciously at least), spirituality is not an escape. It forces us to welcome everything life throws at us, it forces us to love, to develop deep acceptance and compassion. Though, the recognition that there is no separate entity and that all is empty (including emptiness!) is soooo liberating. 100% recommend (if you're strong enough to go through the existential difficulties! :) ).
May all beings awaken sooner, rather than later