4th March, 2024
Disclaimer: Today's topic will be a bit explosive. So do not read if you don't want sensitive content.
Anyhoo, today I will be talking about desires. To give some context, my desires and aversions have lessened by a quantum amount since I've started the path (naturally, not artificially). At one point, the amount of desires or aversions that would manifest is like a bondage on my soul; from subtle to gross desire. To illustrate with a metaphor, it quite literally felt like reality was pulled at 2 ends shifting back and forth, it is not a state of peace lemme just say that. Imagine a rope, being pulled on both ends and there would be a knot tied on the rope. The tension on the rope is not constant, so as you can imagine the knot shifts back and forth without fail. Why did that happen? Apart from the cliche answers I can give, I'd say the rope was trying to get away from the rope. The knot would be the sense of self.
A constant back and forth of dissatisfaction. Slowly but surely, this tendency calmed down a lot as I practiced and gained insight. I became disenchanted with sensual pleasure, and the drive to calm that uncertainty shifted from "worldly" endeavours to "spiritual". Just before anatta realisation, the desires and aversions were at 30% of before I started my practice.
Now post Anatta realisation some of these tendencies are still here. Though there is a shift of perspective, not only am I disenchanted by sensual pleasures I now also clearly see how suffering is formed and even though desires manifest; I intuitively know that 80-90% of the times they lead to more suffering and thus I can usually use the TWIM method to let them go with joy and equanimity.
I have 4 main patterns of desires that manifests:
Desire to NOT socialise (technically more of an aversion, but I'll call it a desire for the sake of simplicity)
Sex
Nicotine
Dessert
So how are these different to say, being hungry? It has a different energetic quality and that's the most direct and simple way I can put. With nicotine, I'm just going to use the traditional methods that deal with addiction plus self-inquiry. Desire to not socialise does not have the same pull as sex, hence I do not actually suffer when I'm actually in the situation as it is not actually like I strongly averse towards socialising; but when I do, I do not wish that I wasn't. Well, the dessert desire is pretty much dissolved now (it was just a habit). Now if I were to be honest, post-anatta realisation my (keyword: sensual) desires are basically all gone and pre-anatta my strongest desire was enlightenment (but recognising anatta quite literally ripped out the seeking energy in me). This happened naturally, I do not force myself to NOT have desires as suppressing desires is a form of desire but today, my sexual desires were off the charts (comparable to before I started practice), it was very interesting.
Sexuality, Sex, Romance
Now I have always been very sexual (from a young age) and due to (probably) trauma which everyone has to some extent and some psychological reasons I had always seek out sex as more than just an innate desire. However, this is why I'm making a big deal out of this particular desire tonight.
When let's say I'm on the streets, I see an attractive woman I used to desire for that woman and it created a tension in the chest and then thoughts would ruminate - I want her, I can't have her, Oh no I feel like shit, what should I do, but I want her, Oh i need to be rich or famous then I will have more choices, maybe I need to work on my game?... on and on.
After I started practice, it shifted from a grasping energy to an appreciative energy. So nowadays when I see an attractive woman, I would think "beautiful". Then that's it! No more, no desire, no wanting, no longing, no ruminating and so on. IF there is longing, it would usually be a romantic wanting, a longing for emotional connection and not sex.
From romance to obsessive sexual energy
Before I go on any further, there is a need to clarify why I am practicing and working with desires. I am GENUINELY disenchanted with all sensual pleasures, even though the desires come up (as a karmic tendency) I have experienced the dissatisfaction in countless meaningless sex, use of substances to escape, status, fame, wealth even the desire for a beautiful sunset. Believing that fulfilling a desire can bring peace or happiness is much like a rat running on a wheel, really. That is to say that, I do not encourage people to give up all desires as I think that is not skilful, but for me personally- since I see the suffering they cause I'd like to work with it and dissolve all sensual desires (that energetic desire, I'm not talking about the natural doing of life to live a balanced life: e.g good diet, exercise, family and so on).
I started off the day being captured by sights of some attractive women, and it started off as "beautiful" to later at night, "damn I thought I had deconstructed lust". I personally have nothing against fulfilling desires or finding non-duality in sex. The desire of sex is so deeply programmed in humanity that it is one of the harder ones to work with, or maybe because I have numbed myself with sex for so long that I can no longer have a healthy relationship with sex. So how did I work with it today, and how was it?
When it started shifting from "beautiful" to a romantic, emotional desire, I felt inside my body of what it felt like - a tension in the chest area pulled towards the desired person. Then as the day progressed, it shifted from romantic to sexual desires and once again I felt in my body - sexual desires are more in the gut and have a higher frequency to that energetic sense and (for me) it also has an energetic vibratory nature on the groin (no I was not erect for fuck's sake) and upper back area. I felt into these emotions, tensions and thoughts and then I did the following:
How did I work with the romantic and sexual desires?
Here's what I came up with by the end of the day:
Feel in the body
Sustain the feeling and use a vipassana mode of samadhi - recognise anatta, emptiness, impermanence, suffering in those sensations
Call for a deity, Buddha, Jesus (any perfect being in your eyes) and embody their compassion, generosity, wisdom, love, patience
Then do TWIM method. The way I did it was:
Recognise
Release (awareness from the desire)
Relax (tension that desire is causing in the body/mind)
Resmile (the buddha smile: smile with the mind, heart and physically)
Instead of return, I simply transitioned into:
Metta (loving-kindness) for the desired person
For me (after doing the more insighty and relaxation oriented techniques on the desires), sending loving-kindness to the desired person is a game changer. Personally, I find that the metta is what transforms that same energy into something more freeing. There are no ways that I can control desires arising, but when they do arise Metta transformed them into more skilful energies. This also works with stuff like dessert, instead of sending loving-kindness to your fucking cookie dough, send it to yourself! What is the most lovingly-kind decision you could make for yourself? Is it to stuff your mouth w that cookie dough or is it to starve to death? Either way, the choice is up to us (relatively speaking). When the desire is transformed into loving-kindness, a sense of openness, softness and freedom will arise, it is in that space that we make lovingly-kind decisions for ourselves and others.
Apart from what is mentioned above, I am also going to experiment with self-inquiry (kevin schneider method), sit between "first dart"(life and situations, in this case desires) and "second dart"(our reaction) - inquire into why I need to react. Not to conceptualise but to physically "find" or feel the reason with my whole being. I am also going to do emotion work with IFS (internal family systems) as well as therapy in the future when I can afford it.
Post anatta, there is much more room to investigate desires and aversions in my experience and I am grateful that I took a more insight oriented route to this path. I am grateful as I know that living a skilful life for myself will radiate to others around me that is why I do it.